...the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be

I went home sick today.
I got home, went to my room, shut the door.
I turned my music on.
And listened.
And I began to think. And think. And think.

And I realized that it's times like last night and days like today that make me never want to move on.
I want to stay right here.
And soak everything up.

Everything is so perfect.
Even when my mom and I fight.
Even when I come to vocal jazz crying.
Even when I am sick.

God has blessed me incredibly.
With a mom who forgives, and lets go of any grudge.
With friends who care for me and my well-being.
With health that's better than those less fortunate.
With life.
And intelligence.

I went to bed last night and the song, Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls began to play.
And I just listened.
Like I did today.
And I am so thankful for those moments,
And those songs,
That make a moment so fitting
To everything rushing through my mind.

Today was a good day.
Not like a "he-just-gave-me-roses" good day.
Not an "I-aced-that-math-test good" day.
But an "everything-just-went-right" good day.
I haven't had a day like this in a very long time.
I usually feel like as soon as I wake, I hit the ground running,
And continue to do so until my head hits my pillow at night.
But today, oh,
Today was different.
It's like I woke with a refreshed perspective.
Or a more grateful attitude.
Or something...

But it's not like superficial good days.
Or materialistic good days.
The kind where one is boisterous and happy.

...

It's that kind of day where you sit, and a small, contented smile cracks open on your face.
And you want to cry,
Because you realized how bless you are...
And how in less than six months,
All of your blessings will start their new lives.
And all of your surroundings will change.

And everything begins anew.

I am happy right now.
I realized that I'm genuinely happy.
And I wish that this appreciative happiness could never leave.

I recently read a friend's blogpost and they mentioned a memory.
And they said they wish they could revisit that moment.
And stop time.
I, too, wish time could be suspended.
And every genuine thing that happens, I wish could be photo-captured.

I was thinking, once again, about high school and the transition to college.
I've got my college of choice.
There, I've got the person I want to be with forever, too.
I've got everything I need.
I said I was "so ready" to be done with high school.
But it was days like today that made me want to stay with these people.
I love them.
I need them.
They're amazing and talented.
God individually created each and every one of them.
They are precious.

And I don't want to find out what happens at the end of the story.
I do, but I'm sheepish.
I have some sort of idea of where my life is headed.
But I want to see the same people I've grown with for years, grow even more.
I want to watch them take different paths and see them make something of their gifts.
But I don't know who I'll know and won't know.
And who I'll meet and won't meet.
And while I'm excited to have a new family, at the same time, I'm terrified of the next chapter...

Just when we thought we were ready to leave...
Just when we're about to let go...
We reach out and claw for what we just let go of.
We grasp it.
And we cling onto it for dear life.

I think there's a time and place for everything.
And I think that our time to let go will call,
And there's no doubt, it's coming soon.
But right now, just relax.
Don't try to leave so quickly.
Hold my hands.
Listen.

I am happy.
I realized that I am genuinely...

...

...happy...