more than a one day challenge

(to a friend)

I joined you today, and though I did not take a vow of silence, I took a fast from spoken words.

I am very proud of you and Cally and anyone else this inspires for making this step on your own, and having a reason for doing so.

I enjoy(ed) reading Cally's and your posts, genuinely and thoroughly. It makes me think, and it gives me suggestions for my own quest. I, however, probably will not post my own findings on facebook, though I keep a journal, but I write this message to disclose my reasons and findings to you. I think you will find them interesting. Share them and use them as you wish, and I will continue reading your posts. :)

Today, I began my observance of a fast from words. Today, I primarily focused on refraining from spoken words. It has begun as an experiment to see the effects and necessity of words in our culture. Today, I focused on kindness, slightly. Most of my day was spent getting used to not talking. And getting used to not being able to say, "thank you," and "bless you," and giving compliments. It drove me nuts by the end of it, mostly because it's a natural response for me to say those things.

I noticed how people generally accepted what I was doing, but a lot of them gave me a hard time about it. By the end of the day, I was so sick of hearing people ask what I could and couldn't do, and laughing at it, or giving me weird looks.

My teachers all thought it was interesting, but my Music Theory professor almost refused me from participating in group activity because I couldn't speak. I proved him wrong though, and finished my work correctly and faster than the rest of my group, and my class.

Christ College (the Honors College, basically English and Philosophy) was the most difficult to get through, especially because of what we were talking about. We're reading St. Augustine's "Confessions" - I recommend that to you, by the way - and the specific book we were on dealt with death and friendship and love. Somehow, I have a lot to say and have thought about these subjects frequently. And I realized that I couldn't voice any of it. Poop. I made it, though, barely.

Throughout the day, I realized how much more time I had to think. I realize that sometimes my words and speech make compelling arguments, but it's simply that. An argument. I dig holes with my words and make an intellectual or grandiloquent fool out of myself. I also realize how much time it takes to make an impulsive response. If you take a moment to think about what you are about to say, you miss your chance to give your input. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I have yet to find out.

As I read your note, I felt the same about the majority of it. People are speaking to be heard... a lot of times people are being spoken at, not to, just waiting for someone to listen. Perhaps it's out of instinctive selfishness. Who knows.

I am with you, when you speak of how draining it is. I agree, entirely. I think that because it is nearly instinctive to speak, not-speaking is a more difficult task, and thus, it takes an abundance of energy to keep up the effort. I felt so many different emotions today that I lost count.

Tomorrow, I will move on to my next phase: fasting from spoken, and typed and written words. It will be WAY more difficult. Even today, I cheated a little, and wrote words. It's still written suitcases conveying meaning. I still make sounds. I'll admit too, that I accidentally slipped once or twice, and asked my roommate if she didn't mind me drying my hair or helping out my friend out with plates for her birthday cake.

Tomorrow though, I will not write words on paper. I hope I can do it. And now that I know I can make it 24 hours without spoken words, I may make my focus happiness tomorrow, with you. I will look at their eyes, and I will try and figure out what lies beneath those faces of the children, sweet children of a college campus.

I've learned, and I'm sure you're already figuring it out, that life is messy. And it only gets messier as one grows older. It shows in the people's faces. I want to see if there's a connection between what lies beneath those eyes and what is real, you know? Maybe for some people, it shows, but they are more positive, so it adds a bit of youth to their faces. And for someone else, the ones who let it affect them, they look more aged.

That's what I'm going to look for tomorrow, and as you can probably see, it's going to be a tough day.

Wish me luck; thank you, my darling for the support. I keep you, Kelly, and anyone else you have impacted with this study in my prayers.

I love you,
~ Hilary

p.s. (and you can show this to Kelly if you'd like)
"May the Lord bless you and keep you,
May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you,
May the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you His peace,
Forever and ever,
Amen."