A Hint of Frustration...
I hate school...
So much.
No, I love all the people. But the committment? P-shaw.
No, seriously. I'm so sick of this already.
And I'm nearly pissed off because I hate it when people make assumptions. I know I do it, but never-the-less, it still bothers me to no end.
Like when friends that go to other schools get really angry at you because you can't meet their every need. They aren't the only ones in the universe, and especially if you've got a lot that they don't really know about on your plate, it's extreemely difficult to find time with them.
Especially if you truly just don't want to spend any time with them because all they do is complain. That's number two on my list of pet peeves today. Complaining. Just shut up, I don't care!
She claims I haven't talked to her in 11 months. Oh, well. I have.
I really have. And I've been there, even when she ignored me because her stupid ex-boyfriend dumped her. And when she actually talked to me for the first time in 4 months after basically ignoring me when I advised her what to be careful of in her first relationship... all of the stuff I warned her abotu happened too, which makes me hate myself for being right, because I know that's why she wouldn't talk to me. I was there when she began talking to this stupid kid again, and told her to be careful of him, and he yelled at her, and she got mad at me for telling her the truth. And she again wouldn't speak to me. I tried, but she had her own agenda. And the time when we talked again, we were friends again, laughing and joking. And that stupid boy came into the picture, making everything all insane. He wasn't even her boyfriend. And then I avoided her. I had enough. I was sick and tired of always having to explain why what she was doing was going to hurt her. And I was right. And I hate being right. Because being right always hurts people, and I don't like hurting people. So then I thought she was finially over him. So I talked to her. And then she was fine. . . But I was wrong. I did talk to that stupid boy. He doesn't want to talk to her. He just wants to forget that experience. And I needed to tell that to her. But she doesn't accept it, not at all. So I don't. I can't tell her. It breaks her heart.
And mine. She doesn't even know the situation. She accuses and accuses, but she doesn't know.
She doesn't know that anything I do, that any mistake I make sticks with me forever.
That just because I don't talk to her, doesn't means I talk to everybody else.
That just beacuse it looks like I'm with Josh all the time, doesn't mean I am.
That just because I skip church one day doesn't mean that I'm doing something that has to do with him, because it doesn't.
Half the time, I am just accused of the exact thing she is doing, by her.
And I'm not ignoring her.
I just don't want to talk to someone who complains about someone they won't get again, who accuses me of ditching them, and who decides what my situation is....
Yet I talk anyway.
Just in case you didn't know,
No, I do not have time for friends.
Yes, I do come home sometimes and cry my eyes out, just like you.
No, I do not get to spend time with Josh. Hardly at all.
Yes, I do have a zillion activities to do, including homework.
No, I am not ignoring you.
You won't ever read this, and even if you did, you'd make a list of everything I said wrong.
Do I know what it feels like to feel alone?
Yes.
Do I know what it feels like to be rejected?
Yes.
Do I know what it's like to not have someone there, waiting to pick you up in their arms and comfort you?
Yes!
Do I care about you?
Of course I do, and if I didn't care about everything you did, I wouldn't have wasted my time talking to you, expressing my concern!
I wouldn't have talked to you at all, not one little bit.
But you know what?
I did.
And you cannot deny the reality of my actions.
I feel stretched out so thin.
I feel that I try so hard.
You have no idea how hard I work at trying to keep everything together... and it still doesn't turn out right..
You don't know that I'm hurting, stressed, tired, occupied, confused, torn, happy, sad, content... ANYTHING.
Agggh!
I am aggrivated.
And I feel as if I do so much for so little in return.
I don't really mind it.
But sometimes, one just needs to be recognized for what they do.
And right now, I feel without a doubt, completely alone...
Left to defend myself in this bitter, cruel world.
You don't need anything in this world. Not even a boyfriend. Just God's love.
And even that seems to be lacking in my life.
-.-
And I need you now.
More than I could explain...
This is sucking... majorly.
I need help, please?
Is there anything else that could go wrong?!
Trying to fly on the inside,
workin' at it.
From the opposing side,
Catch'a lates,
~Hil
///:: eDiT ::\\\
[[ smack ]]
Take that, history.
[[ smack, smack ]]
Take that!
Buahahaha!
I REFUSE TO BE YOUR HOMEWORK MONKEY!
----
Today was a "droopy day".
The kind of day where you just, well, droop.
And you need a hug.
But not your normal hugs from the normal people you hug.
A hug from someone you don't normally get to hug.
That hug came from Mr. Chas today.
And it got me through the day.
Mmm. Nick, I hope you finish your poker game soon.
And I love you M!Dizzl3. See? I told you that you would find a date!
Yeah...
Finally finished with homework.
Finally getting stuff ready for tomorrow.
Finally going to bed.
...
Goin' to bed and forgetting what ever happened today or what's going to happen tomorrow.
Getting lost in a dream world where anything can happen, where one's dreams come true.
All just to wake up the next day and get sucked back into the tedious routine.
Then to get lost again.
Truly, sleep and dreams are the the times when one is most genuinely free.
...
Ain't that the truth.
Dying and trying to fly on the inside,
!H?DaWg.
posted by chillie <3 @ 7:24 PM
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